Three years. Long enough to complete a degree. Long enough for me to realise that Chemistry is an exercise in futility, soul-destroying in the way army boys lament about. They say the process is more important than the result. A load of tosh is what I say to that maxim. All I have is wasted time and a bundle of anxiety and worries.

April was the cruelest month

Can you ever have an excess of time? Amidst the frantic mugging driven by the lust for that 5.0 cap, the clock always seems to be a step ahead right till the moment you hand in the exam script. And as the last paper disappears in the iron grasp of the invigilator's hand, the days grow long as flickering shadows in the twilight. As Einstein once famously illustrated, time is relative. This post in itself has the makings of a half-hearted attempt to stave off boredom, the insidious companion that walks hand in hand with too much time and a lack of purpose. Every long holiday I encounter; they come as often as doable exam papers, I concoct a series of novel plans to while the hours away. Every long holiday I encounter, I relapse into the comforting nest of familiarity, indulging in the repetitive pattern of reading, going on the computer and chilling with friends. Maybe this time it'll be different.

Invidia

I envy a lot. Be it people with better chemistry grades or people leading more exciting lives (going to places I would love to visit, say Italy). Maybe that's why my life seems slightly colorless and lacking to me at times. I suppose the adage "the grass is greener on the other side" holds more truth than I care to admit. As long as I continue the comparisons, which can be endless and needlessly painful, I don't think I'll be happy or fufilled in any of my endeavors. Perhaps its because my benchmark depends on the performance of the rest. And even when it does not, I still can't seem to attain it. That's human nature for you, I suppose. Never quite satisfied and always seeking the Better thing. Even when they know the Best thing is to be content.

Life with a pinch of salt. I'm hungry and incoherent.

Every so often, I stop thinking, just for a little while, florence thoughts. What are florence thoughts you may ask? Well, probably thoughts of the sane or close enough for her to function with a decent level of normality in society (those who know me really well, shush). So when un-florence thoughts like missing my stop and taking the MRT all over Singapore or being deliberately being vindictive to some poor, undeserving sod, for no real reason other then to see what happens, I shuffle them out and reluctantly they go, sometimes with more than a backward glance. Maybe the denying is exactly what makes them so delicious at times. In the reccesses of the minds, we're all nastier and brewing rebellious. And as for the really nasty people, maybe they can't seperate their mind from the world.

Deutsche

Lerne ich Deutsche fuer zwei Monat und ich spreche ein bissen Deutsche. Ich finde die Verb Konjugation und der Gender Artikels verwirrend aber mag ich lerne Deutsche. Meine Deutsche Lehrerin is sehr gut und ich liebe ihre Vortrag. Der Vortrag ist verstaendlich und immer nicht langweilig.

I don't know enough German yet to phrase my feelings about it so I'll do this in English. After the first lesson, I came away feeling like a very intelligent parrot: knowing the phrases and saying them on cue but not knowing exactly what they meant. It got better with more lectures and a dint of self-studying. Now I can read some German passages and by looking at the keywords a.k.a words that appear in English too as well as cross-referencing back to the limited vocabulary I have, derive some meaning from it.Those who baulk at the complex grammar of English will probably pass learning German entirely. Different pronouns have different verb conjugations. Fair enough, English has that too. Throw in certain verbs that are conjugated irregular and you'll have a good time trying to remember the exceptions. Really, the key to learning a language seems to be memorising the exceptions rather than the rule. To add to the mix, words have genders, which entails different articles for them and yes, lots and lots of memorisation. I still can't fathom why a tree is male, its buds, female and its leaves, neutral. Unlike the lazy English way of "pluralising" something by adding an s, depending on the word, you can have a -en or an -e behind it. Just to name a few. Memorisation will be your best friend. Did I mention when the sentence structure changes from say, Akkusative to Dative, the gender articles are written differently too? All these gripes aside, I must say I really love learning German, the fact that there's no exam notwithstanding. I love how they can put individual words together to form long, daunting words that trip and twist your tongue like Hoechsgeschwindigkeitsbegrenzung (maximum speed limit) and Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung (C.P.R). I love how it sounds slightly guttural, almost like clearing phlegm from your throat. And I love how its close to English, which is a Germanic language, making it easier to pick up =P. I hope I achieve a sufficent proficiency if I get to go for exchange in Germany. There is much more self-studying to be done XD

Honestly, I'm incredibly tired of trying. It would be lovely to be in stasis for a long, long while. But try I do still because you can lose everything but hope.

I saw a rainbow today. The air was redolent with petrichor and I inhaled deeply. As the playful draughts rippled my shirt and tousled my already unruly hair, I thought maybe, I could fly. Amidst angry clouds wreathed in nacreous gray, a rainbow against the yawning canvas of the sky winked at me. I couldn't remember when was the last time I had seen one or what I had felt, but the sight of this one sent such a rare feeling of ebullience coursing through me, I wanted to shout to the passerbys, obvious as it was, look a rainbow in the sky! No-one else seemed to notice it and I wondered at them as they scurried on their various ways, intent as worker bees in a hive. Perhaps they thought me a dreamer; a girl precariously perched on a trellised wall, her eyes riveted on something unseen to all but her. It did not fade away as I pictured it would. It simply disappeared; like a memory untouched for too long. My eyes shut tight, and in the darkness that swam around me, I saw again, the rainbow. Twilight drew its ephemeral cloak upon the horizon while I stood up and made my way home.

2008 is consigned to the history books and thrown-away calendars, while 2009, fresh and untainted and heavy with promise as all new years are, is ushered in with much fanfare. there is an absence of feeling save for a tremulous hope that things can and will be better. if hope is the fodder of fools then i am glad to be one. for though it may reside in unknown places, deep within the weeks or months, i should like to think there is a little piece for me.

NUS Fencing Challenge

I'm still in a state of surprise that our hastily assembled motley crew managed to clinch a bronze. I'm even more surprised I could still fence decently despite my lamentable physique and half-baked training. But oh well, there were only 4 teams =P. Met a few familiar faces and marvelled once again, at the lightning reflexes and precise distancing, born of years of practice, the national fencers wielded. I foresee lots of work to be done if NUS Fencing Challenge is to be held next year. All the seniors are either working, graduating or simply too busy to render much help. Adversity does bring out the resourcefulness and tenaciousness in people so I guess ultimately, things will be alright. With the right combination of people, I never realised how fun lugging heavy pieces of metal and manning the Director's table would be. Joanna and Yan Jie took turns pushing us around on the cart, which while was admittedly pretty childish for our age, was still rather exciting. I can't imagine my parents or my grandparents acting like that when they were 19. Seems to me, my generation retains the youthful spark and sense of humor for a longer time =).

quiet time

i am standing in the pall of a shadow i have cast. Or is the shadow mine? You already are. it's hard to see myself from here. i crave for dreams which are not mine. my words, little, are retreating further into silence. the light is close but i wonder if i step out, will my skin start to wither? Like a snowflake in the glare of the sun.

Maybe I am not as good with words of comfort as I like to think I am. I wish I could share your troubles and give you motivation somehow, although you say it's something you have to deal with and you don't want to add on to my problems. I guess since what I say is probably futile and you're tired of hearing it, I will pray for His guidance.

hiatus

2 weeks from now and the "A" levels commence again. It's almost surreal that something mythic in its significance has come and gone and to this date, close to a year since its passing. Eventually I suppose, I will have to sift through the dim recollections of the before, real or made-up and perhaps discover, nothing more to it than a word. This just adds to the plethora of "words" which make up my life. It hit me recently; the realisation that my blogging has disappeared into nigh oblivion despite the many interesting (at least I egoistically think they are) happenings in my life. Attempts to dissect this phenomenon have been largely futile and all I can say is that blogging just slipped out of my life or the other way round. Still, I should take a trip down memory lane now and then and bask in all those moments, good, bad and ugly, waking myself up in time to see the beauty of the now. The fantastic fringe benefit of having more brain space to memorise the Valence-Bond Molecular Orbital Theories or L' Hopital's Rule is also greatly appreciated.

understanding is a precious thing and i guess it doesn't come to people often or has to be accquired from previous experiences. still, couldn't you at least pretend? ahhh...this is probably the depression speaking...

ho-hum

It just got me thinking how sometimes feels like a seemingly endless chain of events to stave off boredom.

The Uni Student

3 weeks into university term and I must say I'm quite glad that the workload is manageable; I have a good few hours to myself everyday even if I go for fencing XD. Haven't really made any friends, unless you count the hi and bye sort but it's always comforting to see a familiar face in tutorial. I'm thankful for the presence of my 3Q classmates, namely Ching Ting and Wei Lu, who make those potentially soporific lectures actually bearable and my darling Kevin, just for being who he is XD! And of hostel life? Would be an understatement to say that I savour every moment of it. Truly, absolute and utter freedom, coupled with a dose of common sense of course, is intoxicating like no other liquor. Responsibility also tags along as always and I've been doing a decent job of ensuring my work, done and my room, habitable :P. I'm pretty determined to make use of all the opportunites NUS can offer (internships, exchange programmes, immersion programmes) and at the same time, have fun!

Class outing was much fun XD Loads of fried food, dabbled in bridge with fairly promising results (many thanks to the partner), attempted to play ping pong and caught up with a few folks here and there. More or less know where most people are headed to, namely NUS. Guess organising class gatherings or should I say, half-class gatherings will be pretty convenient in future. It's a little strange how it takes class gatherings to "make" me talk to people I usually wouldn't have spoken a word to on a normal school day. Maybe its the impending sense of urgency and the knowledge that I might not be seeing them till a few years later.
On another note, Science Orientation week camp is to begin on Wednesday and somehow I can't seem to muster much enthusiasm. Tis a far cry from my secondary school days; I was brimming with nervous excitement so much so that I had trouble falling asleep on the eve of Orientation. The jadedness, that walks hand in hand with age, hits me in the face and tries to wake the dreamer up. Or perhaps its because I'm attached and surrounded by old friends, I see less of a need to befriend others. Or it could be I'm a reincarnation of some hermit who died meditating in the mountains...Hmmm..

Road Rage....no wait?

No license for me till September it seems...

Mostly, Good

Come 11th July, one of those many cars you see hogging the tar arteries of Singapore could be driven by me XD. With 2 L plates stuck on by bumper, I shall endeavour to prove myself a worthy driver to sceptical testers and thereby earn the license and the right to break as many traffic rules as possible. I can hardly wait. And there's the second small issue of how to tell my restaurant employers I'm thinking of quitting soon. I've been absent for too many days to actually be a bad or inefficent worker and it niggles me that I do feel a twinge of guilt at the impending resignation, because I have developed some form of tenous attachment to the nicer staff members. I might frequent the restaurant now and then just to catch up I suppose. The stoppage of income will probably lead to an eventual budget deficit and its time to be more parsimonious or more adept at cajoling cash out of coffers.

After a close to month long hiatus, it's time to revisit the blogging arena XD. Life is good. I've got a place in NUS Science; looks like I said something right during the Discretionary Admission Interview lol. So I'm looking forward of a laptop to of my own, my precious, on top of the other stuff I will be purchasing with my paltry salary. Occasional nights of board games with darling and company, together with outings to catch up with pals break the monotony of work. Since dearest Kevin has spirited away my PSP for an indefinite period of time (currently experiencing withdrawal symptoms now but this too shall pass, or not. ), I shall in the meantime, learn to appreciate the idiot box and knit woollen socks.