Why do I have admiration, tempered with a tinge of envy, those who can articulate their feelings with lucidity on an issue, any issue? For my copious vocabulary bank, do correct me if you think I have overstated my status, remains adumbrated by a quiescent mind. One that accepts things happening all around as they are until they start affecting me on a personal level. Yet what is there to express if you persist unmoved and untouched? There is not such much an abeyance of emotion rather than an absence of it. That is, mayhap the key to an open mind.

The best meet-ups are when the people have not met in a long, long while. There is much to talk about, to laugh about and the silences are all at once, comfortable and companionable because they are understandable. I can safely say I had the most fun outing in a few years on Saturday night with the RJ sabre folks. It wore on till 2 in the morning and yet I didn't want it to end. Laughter was with us throughout and awkward moments, inevitable it seems, were few.

Photopost

A few amateurish shots after fiddling with my new (or not so new) toy - A 4th hand D350. I need to get /f1.8 lenses

Tuition

I gave my first tuition lesson today. The pay is pittance and a painful lesson in basic maths. Remember to divide the total pay by the number of hours tutored -_-. Well, we all learn something new. The student is bashful and parsimonious with words, preferring a nod rather than the verbal yes. It's probably the unfamiliarity and I hope she'll be more bubbly in time to come. Nothing really tests your understanding of a concept more than explaining it to someone who does not understand. A small part of me has always felt doubtful whenever I attempt to explain a concept. Words in themselves do not seem sufficient enough to give an illustration. How would you explain the concept of a "red coloration" to a person blind since birth? The phrase "the wind blows" means everything and nothing at the same time. I suppose words are a concise representation of an object but perhaps to really understand what an object is, one has to experience it? Now how does one experience grammar...

What do you do when life trips you up and run circles around your head? Will you rail, scream, weep and rend your hair? Will you beat your fists against the one-way mirror? Or will you lie down and be still. For there is nothing else to do.

As much as I feel life is stringing me along, I suppose God knows best. Time to be putting away the plans for far future and focus on the now. After all, if the now is good, the future has a higher probability of following suit.

Commencement (Of What, Really?)

On the eve of an event that barely concerns me, I wonder, perhaps is it time to set some concrete goals for my university life, academic or otherwise. Much hinges upon the Art's Faculty decision to accept me and even if I do get accepted, the bitter trace of a lingering inadequacy will haunt me for a while. I shall need to see it as exchanging substandard for something better(?). Meagre and necessary self-consolation, nevertheless. And the question of for whom do I plan and achieve my goals for. Are they truly what I want? Do I want them not for just myself but because others have had them too?

an ode to the lost

"Sometimes it Happens"

And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon as you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.

By Brian Patterson

Vaguely, I want an SLR. Or at least Photoshop. Ho-hum.

Hanoi and China

Alright, finally at 1.45am, I feel impelled to blog about my trip, before the not-so-indelible memories bleed into nothingness. The exact doings and happenings of each day escape me so all you'll see is a brief description of each place, and if you're feeling lucky, some picturesque photos.

Hanoi: A veritable warren of chaotically placed roads and shabby-looking buildings for most part. It's a wonder how the locals manage to meander their way to their respective destinations given the lack of street signs and noticeable landmarks, and I say this with the discerning eye of a tourist. A horn rends the already discordant cacophony of vrooms and brakes screeching every 5 seconds (yes, I counted). Crossing the roads verge on life and death situations as throngs of scooters whiz pass with an almost reckless abandon, a hair's breadth away from me. Vietnamese buildings mirror their people in stature, tall and narrow in general, a result of the 17m by 6m as the maximum dimensions regulation.

Ha Long Bay: Stunning as the scenery was, I was inured to its beauty after a while. The caress of the bay breeze was indeed welcome, as was the honeyed warmth of the sunlight on my skin. I always did love boat rides ;). Limestone islands, topped with a dash of viridian and jutting from the sea at irregular intervals, made a great subject for photos. And it was here the ubiquity of the television hit me in full force. Going aboard a floating fishing farm deep within the islands, I was half-surprised to see the idiot box, the only visible sign of technology in the otherwise spartan room.

That's it for now.

Three years. Long enough to complete a degree. Long enough for me to realise that Chemistry is an exercise in futility, soul-destroying in the way army boys lament about. They say the process is more important than the result. A load of tosh is what I say to that maxim. All I have is wasted time and a bundle of anxiety and worries.

April was the cruelest month

Can you ever have an excess of time? Amidst the frantic mugging driven by the lust for that 5.0 cap, the clock always seems to be a step ahead right till the moment you hand in the exam script. And as the last paper disappears in the iron grasp of the invigilator's hand, the days grow long as flickering shadows in the twilight. As Einstein once famously illustrated, time is relative. This post in itself has the makings of a half-hearted attempt to stave off boredom, the insidious companion that walks hand in hand with too much time and a lack of purpose. Every long holiday I encounter; they come as often as doable exam papers, I concoct a series of novel plans to while the hours away. Every long holiday I encounter, I relapse into the comforting nest of familiarity, indulging in the repetitive pattern of reading, going on the computer and chilling with friends. Maybe this time it'll be different.

Invidia

I envy a lot. Be it people with better chemistry grades or people leading more exciting lives (going to places I would love to visit, say Italy). Maybe that's why my life seems slightly colorless and lacking to me at times. I suppose the adage "the grass is greener on the other side" holds more truth than I care to admit. As long as I continue the comparisons, which can be endless and needlessly painful, I don't think I'll be happy or fufilled in any of my endeavors. Perhaps its because my benchmark depends on the performance of the rest. And even when it does not, I still can't seem to attain it. That's human nature for you, I suppose. Never quite satisfied and always seeking the Better thing. Even when they know the Best thing is to be content.

Life with a pinch of salt. I'm hungry and incoherent.

Every so often, I stop thinking, just for a little while, florence thoughts. What are florence thoughts you may ask? Well, probably thoughts of the sane or close enough for her to function with a decent level of normality in society (those who know me really well, shush). So when un-florence thoughts like missing my stop and taking the MRT all over Singapore or being deliberately being vindictive to some poor, undeserving sod, for no real reason other then to see what happens, I shuffle them out and reluctantly they go, sometimes with more than a backward glance. Maybe the denying is exactly what makes them so delicious at times. In the reccesses of the minds, we're all nastier and brewing rebellious. And as for the really nasty people, maybe they can't seperate their mind from the world.

Deutsche

Lerne ich Deutsche fuer zwei Monat und ich spreche ein bissen Deutsche. Ich finde die Verb Konjugation und der Gender Artikels verwirrend aber mag ich lerne Deutsche. Meine Deutsche Lehrerin is sehr gut und ich liebe ihre Vortrag. Der Vortrag ist verstaendlich und immer nicht langweilig.

I don't know enough German yet to phrase my feelings about it so I'll do this in English. After the first lesson, I came away feeling like a very intelligent parrot: knowing the phrases and saying them on cue but not knowing exactly what they meant. It got better with more lectures and a dint of self-studying. Now I can read some German passages and by looking at the keywords a.k.a words that appear in English too as well as cross-referencing back to the limited vocabulary I have, derive some meaning from it.Those who baulk at the complex grammar of English will probably pass learning German entirely. Different pronouns have different verb conjugations. Fair enough, English has that too. Throw in certain verbs that are conjugated irregular and you'll have a good time trying to remember the exceptions. Really, the key to learning a language seems to be memorising the exceptions rather than the rule. To add to the mix, words have genders, which entails different articles for them and yes, lots and lots of memorisation. I still can't fathom why a tree is male, its buds, female and its leaves, neutral. Unlike the lazy English way of "pluralising" something by adding an s, depending on the word, you can have a -en or an -e behind it. Just to name a few. Memorisation will be your best friend. Did I mention when the sentence structure changes from say, Akkusative to Dative, the gender articles are written differently too? All these gripes aside, I must say I really love learning German, the fact that there's no exam notwithstanding. I love how they can put individual words together to form long, daunting words that trip and twist your tongue like Hoechsgeschwindigkeitsbegrenzung (maximum speed limit) and Herzkreislaufwiederbelebung (C.P.R). I love how it sounds slightly guttural, almost like clearing phlegm from your throat. And I love how its close to English, which is a Germanic language, making it easier to pick up =P. I hope I achieve a sufficent proficiency if I get to go for exchange in Germany. There is much more self-studying to be done XD

Honestly, I'm incredibly tired of trying. It would be lovely to be in stasis for a long, long while. But try I do still because you can lose everything but hope.

I saw a rainbow today. The air was redolent with petrichor and I inhaled deeply. As the playful draughts rippled my shirt and tousled my already unruly hair, I thought maybe, I could fly. Amidst angry clouds wreathed in nacreous gray, a rainbow against the yawning canvas of the sky winked at me. I couldn't remember when was the last time I had seen one or what I had felt, but the sight of this one sent such a rare feeling of ebullience coursing through me, I wanted to shout to the passerbys, obvious as it was, look a rainbow in the sky! No-one else seemed to notice it and I wondered at them as they scurried on their various ways, intent as worker bees in a hive. Perhaps they thought me a dreamer; a girl precariously perched on a trellised wall, her eyes riveted on something unseen to all but her. It did not fade away as I pictured it would. It simply disappeared; like a memory untouched for too long. My eyes shut tight, and in the darkness that swam around me, I saw again, the rainbow. Twilight drew its ephemeral cloak upon the horizon while I stood up and made my way home.

2008 is consigned to the history books and thrown-away calendars, while 2009, fresh and untainted and heavy with promise as all new years are, is ushered in with much fanfare. there is an absence of feeling save for a tremulous hope that things can and will be better. if hope is the fodder of fools then i am glad to be one. for though it may reside in unknown places, deep within the weeks or months, i should like to think there is a little piece for me.

NUS Fencing Challenge

I'm still in a state of surprise that our hastily assembled motley crew managed to clinch a bronze. I'm even more surprised I could still fence decently despite my lamentable physique and half-baked training. But oh well, there were only 4 teams =P. Met a few familiar faces and marvelled once again, at the lightning reflexes and precise distancing, born of years of practice, the national fencers wielded. I foresee lots of work to be done if NUS Fencing Challenge is to be held next year. All the seniors are either working, graduating or simply too busy to render much help. Adversity does bring out the resourcefulness and tenaciousness in people so I guess ultimately, things will be alright. With the right combination of people, I never realised how fun lugging heavy pieces of metal and manning the Director's table would be. Joanna and Yan Jie took turns pushing us around on the cart, which while was admittedly pretty childish for our age, was still rather exciting. I can't imagine my parents or my grandparents acting like that when they were 19. Seems to me, my generation retains the youthful spark and sense of humor for a longer time =).