In Retrospect...

Had a long talk with Eug on the disastrous pool bouts and realised that I either probably lacked the spirit to fight for the points or it appeared sporadically and simply wasn't strong enough. The absolute absence of anxiety (which I was a little anxious about) before and even while sparring must have be an indication that I had no expectations of the bout whatsoever. Granted, I did not expect to win any of bouts. Conversely, I did not expect to lose. I didn't expect anything at all. My time on the piste, brief as it was, was so surreal and dreamlike. No strategy, no expectations and no real drive. I'm there because I'm supposed to be fencing. True, I did garner some precious experience but the situation could have gone a lot better in several cases if I had indeed put my heart into it. Think part of me was in some faraway place, only dragging myself to the piste when my time to fence was at hand. As Eug said "You're as good as you want yourself to be..." Not wanting to be anything is not an option. Complete nonchalance is not an option. Fencing, as is any other sport, is about fighting for victory. And even if you do lose, you lose with the knowledge, though not always comforting, that you have done your best. I need to possess the inextinguishable fire to fight on for points no matter how down I might be, no matter how strong they might be. Treat every point as though it is the last. And victory could well be snatched away from the jaws of defeat...

Thanks a million Eug for clearing my thoughts up =)!